I want to take things I can’t understand about myself, or got to a good place with, and communicate and convert them.
From maybe aged 13, essentially bang on when puberty started to hit, I had a massive shift in comfort
in the world and myself. Around that time was the first time that I ever looked at myself in a public way, and through getting the first ever family computer with MSN. I had to put a profile picture, and that introduction to the online world and judging yourself felt like the catalyst to me feeling a little bit out of place. Writing was the only real outlet I had. Not prose, just scrawls of inner monologue. When I read them back, it’s like the most cliche angry teenager problems, or just a crazy teenager repeating themselves. That was the first time I started to try and articulate how I was feeling and find some kind of outlet.
When I started to become an adult and take more control of who I was, getting away from the more limiting environment I came from, I went on a mission to work out what I actually thought of myself, the world and other people. That process is ongoing but I’m at the end of phase 1, where I’ve built my foundation of what I think I am and what the world is.
In the transition from not knowing to knowing, I think I’ve built up a storyline for myself - to try and take everything I don’t feel right about within myself and within the world, and do something that makes those things apparently better.
It’s crushing at points, but I’m getting to a good place in it. For about 5 years it crushed me every day. But you can’t change everything, you just have to change what you can. After therapy and starting to take medication for anxiety and depression, it all got a bit clearer. All of the negative self-hate went away and left room for the positive.